Donkey Punch

May 8, 2008

My Candidate Sucks.

Filed under: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Politics — t4toby @ 7:33 am

h/t Complex

Yes, you read that right. My candidate sucks. He’s a politician with the ambition to want to be President. That right there makes him possibly criminally insane and why I like the above take on Bogey Down Production’s Criminal Minded. He comes from Chicago, which may be the most politically corrupt city in America. He speaks in platitudes that are long on rhetoric and short on details. Once again for my slower readers, HE’S A POLITICIAN!!!

Hillary Clinton sucks too, for variations on the themes I stated above. SHE’S A POLITICIAN!!!

John McCain, on the other hand, is the definition of the Banality of Evil. He is a genuine threat to the free world, because unlike George ‘I Don’t Have a Fucking Clue’ Bush, McCain thinks he knows things. He Doesn’t. He knows just enough to be dangerous to all life on this planet.

So here’s the deal. I will vote for the Democratic candidate. Period. I hope you do the same.

When we beat McCain in November, it’s open season on anyone, (R) or (D). Until then, can we postpone the circular firing squad?

May 2, 2008

On Jumping the Shark (Now Updated with More Shark Jumpiness! X2!!)

Let’s talk economics.

The rules of supply and demand are pretty simple. Demand goes up, prices go up. Supply goes up, prices go down.

Conversely, if prices go down, demand tends to go up. If prices rise, demand falls.

Enter the John ‘YOU DAMN KIDS GET OFF OF MY LAWN!’ McCain. He and his team of brilliant advisers have come up with a great idea. Let’s have a holiday from the gas tax this summer. Sounds good, no? Not.

John McCain is proposing to eliminate the 18.9 cent federal gas tax as a way to ease the burden of rising gas prices on his friends, the regular Americans. But what does this mean?

If we lower the price of gas, demand will go up, which will in turn drive prices up. So we take $.20/gallon away from the Federal Treasury. More people feel inclined to drive this summer because gas is cheaper. The price rises to the cost with the tax, except now the oil companies are making the $.20/gallon instead of the Treasury. That is his brilliant plan.

So not only is it a bone headed idea, but it flies in the face of the fact that we need to be encouraging people to drive less, both to help stabilize the price of oil, but also because the last time I checked the consensus of the global scientific community is that we have a wee problem with carbon emissions.

So of course both Democratic nominees oppose this, because they are both smart people with wise economists on their side, right? Wrong.

Hill’s down. Granted, she wants to finance the cut with a windfall tax on the oil companies’ profits whereas McCain just wants to write Big Oil a blank check, but she’s still firmly in the Voodoo Economics Camp. When was the last time Shrub, Jr. let a bill go across his desk that cut into rich people’s profits? Never, that’s when. So her plan is both irresponsible and logistically impossible. So either she’s dense as old growth, or she’s trying to pander to the low information voters. Either way stinks.

This is not a responsible plan. This is not a plan a responsible leader would endorse. This is election year shenanigans at their most pitiful.

I’m calling it. Hillary has jumped the shark. Stick a fork in her, she’s done.


“I’m not going to put in my lot with economists,” Hillary told George Stephanopoulos this weekend, ““Elite opinion is always on the side of doing things that really disadvantages the vast majority of Americans.”

What other recent President doesn’t believe in the opinions of ‘experts’? I’m drawing a blank…

When will the Hillary model come out?

Updated Again:

Damn that shit is dumb.

April 30, 2008

Lessons Learned

Filed under: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Humor, Politics — t4toby @ 12:20 pm

One of the best bloggers out there pretty much nails it:

Things I have learned during this campaign season:

In a race that includes a former First Lady of the United States and a multimillionaire Republican senator rumored to share up to eight residences with his wife, the black guy from Chicago is unforgivably elitist.

Racism in America is caused primarily by black Chicago preachers.

The guy who keeps getting confused over the relationship between Iraq, Iran, and al Qaeda is the foreign policy expert.

The guy who goes to campaign stops on his wife’s private jet aircraft is the most down-to-earth.

The guy who changed his stance on tax cuts, Roe v. Wade, immigration, gun control, the confederate flag, torture, public financing, and his own anti-earmark rhetoric is the “straight talker”.

People in the heartland don’t like it when you call them bitter, but they do like it when you explain to them that they’re too dumb to understand issues more important than whether or not they like to be called bitter.

Arugula is the measure of a man.

Bowling is the measure of a man.

Orange juice is the measure of a man.

Flag pins are the measure of a man.

Success in Iraq consists of any reduction in violence, except when violence increases that’s good too.

A recession is only a recession if you call it one.

Bill Kristol, Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, Karl Rove, Maureen Dowd, David Brooks, David Broder, Charles Krauthammer and Bob Novak are all intensely interested in giving advice to the Democratic candidates because they just want to be helpful.

There are people in this world dumb enough to believe every one of these things.

Amen, Hunter.

Bonus Hunter post:

Foreign Policy As Practiced By Seven Year Old Children

March 17, 2008

Bitch is the new black, but black is the new president, bitch. (Updated)

Filed under: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Humor, Politics — t4toby @ 9:02 am

So sayeth Tracy Morgan

I want to know what qualifies Hillary Clinton to be the next president. Is it because she was married to the president? If that were the case then Robin Givens would be the heavyweight champion of the world.

Barack is not winning because he’s a black man. If that was the case, I would be winning. And I’m way blacker than him. I used to smoke Newports and drink Olde English. I grew up on government cheese, I prefer it.

Then we have Sinbad:

In her Iowa stump speech, Clinton also said, “We used to say in the White House that if a place is too dangerous, too small or too poor, send the First Lady.”

Say what? As Sinbad put it: “What kind of president would say, ‘Hey, man, I can’t go ’cause I might get shot so I’m going to send my wife…oh, and take a guitar player and a comedian with you.'”

He said the “scariest” part of the trip was wondering where he’d eat next. “I think the only ‘red-phone’ moment was: ‘Do we eat here or at the next place.'”

Hillary better get some funny people on her side, quick.


The title of this post was directed at Tina Fey, not Hillary Clinton.

March 10, 2008

Hillary Clinton is the Nader2000 of 2008.

Filed under: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Politics — t4toby @ 10:19 am


So my last post generated some controversy.

<clutchpeals>How could I suggest that Barack Obama volunteer for the VP slot?</clutchpearls>

Here’s how I came up with that crazy thought:

  • Hillary will stop at nothing(even tearing the Democrats asunder) to obtain the nomination.
  • Fighting amongst ourselves only plays into the Republicans’ hand.
  • Barack is posturing himself as some kind of visionary.
  • Visionaries tend to place strategic thinking over petty squabbling.
  • Combining forces with Hillary would allow us to use our resources against John McCrank McCain instead of using them to give the Yellow Elephants ‘aid and comfort’.
  • Hillary will stop at nothing(even tearing the Democrats asunder) to obtain the nomination.

I proposed that Barack volunteer in keeping with the ‘Keep you friends close, Keep your enemies closer’ plan. It is called strategy.

What worries me most is that the Obama camp doesn’t seem to have any flexibility in its plan of attack. St. Obama must be president, or else. Forget about long-term viability of the Democratic party. Forget that the true enemy here (Rethugs) have a long history of dirty tricks and gamed votes. Forget that saying you are all for negotiations, except when it comes to the biggest popularity contest on Earth. Just install Obama as President.

Strategy, people. This is no joke, no small thing. Hillary has the Inside-the-Beltway crowd firmly in her camp. Obama has the erstwhile Chicago machine in his camp. This is like two prohibition era gangs battling for the entire US’s black market liquor sales. Except that if these two mortally wound each other, aliens from planet Whogivesashit will continue to rape, rob and pillage our country.

Hillary will hold on until the convention with the intention of trying to slice away just enough superdelegate votes to get her in. Obama will continue to push back. And Old MAn McCain will laugh all the way to the bank.

It seems that the Democrats in this country are trying to make “Snatching Defeat from the Jaws of Victory®” their permanent slogan .

March 6, 2008

What’s good for the goose…. (Updated)(And Again)

Filed under: Barack Obama, Democrats, Fail, Hillary Clinton, Politics — t4toby @ 9:20 am



The Democrats are at it again. We have a historic chance to completely destroy the Republican brand and what are we doing? Fighting amongst ourselves.

Hillary and Barack are raising a combined $70 million a month, and for what? To blow it fighting each other. When there is not that much difference between the two.

Meanwhile, Old Man McCain gets much needed rest while the Dems ‘Go Negative’ on each other, alienating anyone who isn’t fanatical about their choice.

Last night I heard on NPR that if Hillary gets the nomination, 10% of Obama’s supporters have said they would vote for John McCain. If Obama gets the nod, 25% of the Hillary supporters are thinking of putting John McCrankpants in office.


This is the same bullshit that has hampered any real progressive changes in this country. Ego. What is it with liberals and their precious egos? Is it that hard to figure out that if one of the major Dem candidates voluntarily accepted the VP position, we could turn our guns toward our actual enemies? But this isn’t about what is best for the country. This is about one of these opportunist politicians winning. Period.

The anger directed at me by many Dems because I had the temerity to vote for Ralph Nader in 2000 is just a glimpse of the bad blood that is brewing between the two factions of the Democratic party. The well is being poisoned by the leaders we are looking to for guidance.

$70 million a month. That’s over $400 million by election time that could be used to trounce the Republicans. $400 million to try to set this country back on track. $400 million that they’d rather piss away in this vanity contest.

President McCain. Get used to the sound. Four more years of Bush League Bullshit. Because unless someone starts acting like an adult, that is the natural end of this circular firing squad we call a party.

Until last night, I was getting comfortable with accepting Obama as my choice. Now I think he has a unique historical opportunity to put his money where his mouth is:

Concede victory to Hillary, Barack. Show us that you really are a visionary thinker by thinking twenty years ahead, not seven months. Hillary’s getting old, let her have her shot. You can make a lot of huge changes by starting out as VP. Prove to the country that you are above all the petty politics. There is plenty of time to do what’s right.


So a couple of commenters have pointed out that the nomination is his. I agree. That is why it would be such a powerful statement to put the needs of the country ahead of personal ambition. And it would virtually guarantee that he would be elected president at a future date.

I repeat – The coming internecine war only serves to boost the Rethuglicans. Between the already in-place voter fraud machine and this infighting, McCain has a real chance. I can hear you laughing, but I’m serious.

Double Update:

Clinton raised $36 million, and Obama raised $55 million in February.

So now were in excess of $500 million that is about to be pissed away.