Donkey Punch

April 30, 2008

Lessons Learned

Filed under: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Humor, Politics — t4toby @ 12:20 pm

One of the best bloggers out there pretty much nails it:

Things I have learned during this campaign season:

In a race that includes a former First Lady of the United States and a multimillionaire Republican senator rumored to share up to eight residences with his wife, the black guy from Chicago is unforgivably elitist.

Racism in America is caused primarily by black Chicago preachers.

The guy who keeps getting confused over the relationship between Iraq, Iran, and al Qaeda is the foreign policy expert.

The guy who goes to campaign stops on his wife’s private jet aircraft is the most down-to-earth.

The guy who changed his stance on tax cuts, Roe v. Wade, immigration, gun control, the confederate flag, torture, public financing, and his own anti-earmark rhetoric is the “straight talker”.

People in the heartland don’t like it when you call them bitter, but they do like it when you explain to them that they’re too dumb to understand issues more important than whether or not they like to be called bitter.

Arugula is the measure of a man.

Bowling is the measure of a man.

Orange juice is the measure of a man.

Flag pins are the measure of a man.

Success in Iraq consists of any reduction in violence, except when violence increases that’s good too.

A recession is only a recession if you call it one.

Bill Kristol, Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, Karl Rove, Maureen Dowd, David Brooks, David Broder, Charles Krauthammer and Bob Novak are all intensely interested in giving advice to the Democratic candidates because they just want to be helpful.

There are people in this world dumb enough to believe every one of these things.

Amen, Hunter.

Bonus Hunter post:

Foreign Policy As Practiced By Seven Year Old Children

April 29, 2008


Filed under: Not Funny, Outrage Fatigue, Politics — t4toby @ 2:42 pm

Is this election almost over? Have we heard enough about dark people and manly guffaws and crooked-assed straight talkers and glass ceilings and electability and ‘My friends’ and flag pins and patriotism and Michigan and Florida and voting irregularities and internecine rancor and 100 years of war and Faux news and madrassas and HUSSEIN! and inevitability and Democrats acting like Republicans and Beltway Advisers and someone’s Reverend (certainly not the white guy’s) and polling and robocalls and dirty tricks and he-said-she-said and White-said-Black-said and dog-whistle phrases and cutting off our noses to spite our faces?

Have you heard enough? I know I have.

I would really like to hear how we are going to avoid the Second Great Depression.

I would really like to hear about not giving phone companies automatic immunity.

I would really like to hear that we are not going to bomb Iran.

I would really like to hear that we have a plan to ween ourselves of oil that doesn’t involve using valuable agricultural land.

I would really like to get back to reality.

It seems that we are mostly living our lives vicariously through media. A media that has proven again and again to be nothing more than a vapid club of cool kids clamoring for attention. We obsess over Brittney’s shaved snatch and Lindsey’s wrecked car and if Brangelina will stay together and adopt 227, 314 more rainbow colored kids while there are food riots and people predicting $200/barrel gas all headed up by possibly the most incompetent government put together since the days of the banana republics.

I have repeatedly tried to start posts only to wad the virtual page up and throw it in the trashcan of impotent outrage. What. The. Fuck.

So I decided that this presidential race is all about the Supreme Court. We cannot let McCain in the White House. Period. I don’t care how you feel about Barry or Hill. We cannot let any more retrograde conservatives that prefer the heady days before Sufferage and the abolishment of slavery to legislate morality from the highest court in the land. If McCain gets in, we will have an entire generation of terrible rulings, coupled with the outrageous affronts to our liberties already in place thanks to the current cabal in power.

So I’m less and less fond of Hillary the more she seems to be on message with McCain. But I’ll vote for a polished turd over Old Man McScarypants. But can’t we just vote tomorrow?

April 25, 2008

War Porn

Filed under: Politics, war — t4toby @ 11:27 am

The sear trips.

The hammer drops, driving the firing pin forward.

The firing pin embeds with the open, welcoming primer.


The pin hits the primer.


The primer cooks off.

The flame spreads into the powder in the case.


The powder cooks, and the bullet releases from the case and enters the barrel.

The pressure builds behind the round as it gathers speed down the barrel.

The gas is routed back through the gas port, inpinging on the bolt carrier.

The bold carrier is driven backwards, disengaging from the chamber.

The bullet exits the barrel, having reached it’s final velocity, and the pressure in the barrel subsides.

The bolt carrier travels back on it’s rails, pulling the spent casing back with it.

The extractor hits the cam and kicks the spent case out of the ejection port.

The bolt carrier hits the end of it’s travel and begins to return forward.

The bullet is seventy five yards downrange, traveling at twenty nine hundred feet per second.

The bolt carrier strikes the top round in the magazine, stripping it and driving it into the chamber.

The bolt locks up with the fresh round correctly headspaced in the chamber.

The round is supersonic, traveling downrange with a familiar ripping noise.

The round hits a young Iraqi, high in the chest.

It’s a 55 grain slug with a steel or titanium penetrator core.

It pierces the skin and begins to expand in the muscle. It barely touches the rib as it goes by, but it’s enough to set it to tumbling. It tumbles through the chest cavity, down and to the left, tearing through the right lung, liver and the top of the right kidney. It exits, spent, in the lower back after knocking a chunk out of the pelvis.

The young Iraqi runs a few steps, slows, looks around in confusion. Blood bubbles up in his mouth. He coughs and spits. Looks around again. Nobody’s around. The sound of gunfire still hammers in his ears. He takes a few steps into an ally, and drops to his knees.

He doesn’t know it, but his lung is collapsing while his chest cavity fills with blood. Very little blood leaks out of the small entry and almost as small exit wounds. But the bleeding is fierce. This young man’s life will, from here, be measured in minutes.

He flops, propping up against the wall of the ally. Breathing is harder. His vision is grey. The sounds of the fight seem farther away. He thinks of his childhood, of his sister, his mother. He just needs to rest. Yeah. He leans over, coughs up a great gout of blood, and he dies.

You want porn? War is porn.

Sex is beautiful, even when it’s not.

When strangers fight desperately to kill one another?

That’s the most evil pornography imaginable. And that seems perfectly acceptable to these criminals.



April 22, 2008

I’ve got a question.

Filed under: Bush's Democracy, Diebold — t4toby @ 3:08 pm

How come banks can keep track of millions if not billions of pennies going every which way, each and every day, but we can’t insure that our votes are accurately counted?

Really, what is so hard about this? Is it that the profit motive of the banks encourages them to keep track and there is no such motive for elections? Does it serve some higher purpose to keep the elections opaque?

Seriously, we put a dogdammed slew of people on the moon, and we can’t count votes carefully? It is almost like we’re not interested in having a smoothly running democracy.

Epic over at the Great Orange Satan has some interesting info from Pennsylvania today.

Here’s my idea. We vote on electronic machines. When we ‘pull the lever’, a receipt spits out. We then review the receipt and sign it and drop it into a secure ballot box. Then we check the physical receipts to the electronic tallies. If the difference is too large, we know there has been fraud.

Simple right? WTF?

April 17, 2008

Hope Bong

Filed under: Hope Bong, Politics, Scott Deppe, Steven Colbert — t4toby @ 9:31 am

I am far too incompetent to embed video in this blog. But I just watched Steven Colbert tell Larry king that Obama is passing his Hope Bong around the drum circle of American Youth. Then he pantomimes taking a hit.

Watch it.

If Obama were an alien, this would be what he’s packing.

Glass Art by Scott Deppe

April 15, 2008

From the Dashboard.

Filed under: Uncategorized — t4toby @ 12:22 pm

I write mostly about politics. Mostly.

So naturally my Top Searches are for political terms, right?

Heh. Indeed.

That’s one way to do it…

Filed under: Uncategorized — t4toby @ 11:35 am

Due to various personal reasons, I have been remiss in my blogging duties. Sorry it’s so sparse around here lately. I have so much on my plate that I’m not even hungry.

Hungry? Not me:

April 11, 2008

The Truth is Out There!

Filed under: 9/11, 9/11Truth, Death Star, Truther — t4toby @ 1:53 pm

I am undecided on the whole 9/11 conspiracy theory situation. My very first thought as I watched the first tower fall (after “Holy Shit!”) was, “Those bastards did it. This will make every one of Big Dick Cheney’s wildest wet dreams a possibility.”

So I started on the side of the ‘Truth’ movement. Since then I have moved more to the middle.

Anywho, this cracks me up no matter which side of the debate I happen to be on:

Uncomfortable Questions about the Death Star Attack

So now I’ve outed myself as a conspiracy nut and a geek.  Be who you are, I guess.

April 9, 2008

Who do you think you are?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: — t4toby @ 2:40 pm

That is a question I think of quite often when trying to come up with something fresh and insightful for this blog. Who do I think I am? What can I say that hasn’t?

I guess I never really show much about myself on this blog. But I’ve run into the wall on politics and outrage. I can barely keep my own house in order, so what business do I have worrying about other peoples’ issues. The phrase Rage aganist the Machine come to mind. What can I do to a speeding freight train driven by a power-mad pol? De-rail it? Then what happens to the innocent people riding on that train? And how does that make me any better than the conductor of that Railway to Hell?

I guess it comes down to this: To really make a change will involve a great deal of sacrifice by a huge group of people. The powers-that-be are very unwilling to let go of the power they have amassed, and I’m afraid the only way to dislodge the corporate cancer will be raw and brutal. And am I willing to jeopardize my relationship with my daughters in the name of something so esoteric? But if I do nothing, will my daughters even have a future?

When I think of what it will take, I think of Les Miserables. Those students manned the barricades and subsequently died for what? Their beliefs? Their pride? The revolution that eventually did occur in France was so savage and brutal that I wonder if they did die in vain.

One thing is for sure. The powerful have a long and storied history of perpetrating horrors on people in order to maintain their lifestyle. And 2008 is no different. Any thoughts?

April 7, 2008

The Gipper on W (Busted)

Filed under: Politics — Tags: , — t4toby @ 12:26 pm

“A moment I’ve been dreading. George brought his n’er-do-well son around this morning and asked me to find the kid a job. Not the political one who lives in Florida ; the one who hangs around here all the time looking shiftless. This so-called kid is already almost 40 and has never had a real job. Maybe I’ll call Kinsley over at The New Republic and see if they’ll hire him as a contributing editor or something. That looks like easy work.”

From the REAGAN DIARIES——entry dated May 17, 1986.


Update: My pal Choppy tipped me to the snopes page.

So its not a real quote. Could have fooled me.

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