Donkey Punch

February 4, 2008

Talking Points.

Filed under: Political Short Bus, Politics, Republican Logic — t4toby @ 9:35 am

shortbus.jpg

My mom forwarded this to me:

(Hanx, Mom!)

To be a Republican you need to believe:

1. Jesus loves you and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a ‘we can’t find Bin Laden’ diversion.

3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Viet Nam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

5. A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.

7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.

8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMO’s and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

10. Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and
censoring the internet .

13. The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.

14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host, then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

15. Supporting ‘Executive Privilege’ for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.) goes without saying.

16. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960’s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ’80’s is irrelevant.

17. We should always give our support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.

The once proud Grand Old Party is now the party of the logically impaired. It’s like the Short Bus of Politics.

Advertisements

4 Comments »

  1. um.. that list failed to mention “you need to be gay but hate yourself for it and accordingly hate all gays in kind”

    Comment by grindchopblend — February 4, 2008 @ 3:36 pm

  2. It was forwarded to me, so I didn’t get any editorial license.

    Comment by t4toby — February 4, 2008 @ 3:37 pm

  3. Followed you from S, N! So totally worth it…..

    Comment by Regular SadlyNoLurker — February 5, 2008 @ 3:26 pm

  4. ever since i saw the movie short bus, phrases like, “it’s like the short bus of politics” read a little…differently to me.

    although i guess that since so many of them have aspirations toward sex in public, maybe it still works just fine.

    Comment by sarah — February 6, 2008 @ 11:57 pm


RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: