Donkey Punch

June 27, 2007

It’s tinfoil hat time!

Filed under: Cosmic, Tinfoil Hat, Venus — t4toby @ 3:07 pm

Here is my first installment of things that I think about and probably shouldn’t share.

With Evan Almighty coming out, I thought it would be a good time to trot out one of my favorite exercises in Logical Leaps of Faith. Consider Noah’s Ark.

The great flood is a cross cultural story. Whether this is owing to one tale that spread out in ancient times to be included in many cultures, or that there actually was some great deluge in our past is debatable, so we won’t waste our time with that.

What I’d like to propose is that the story of Noah’s Ark is the story of humans moving through the solar system. I know, I’ve probaly lost all 3 of my readers by now, but I’ll soldier on.

Venus is a planet that compares to the Earth in several ways. It is similar in size (95% of Earth’s diameter, 80% of Earth’s mass) and in composition (similar chemical makeup, dense iron core). Both planets have few craters, indicating young surfaces.

But unlike earth (so far), Venus is completely covered in greenhouse gases. Carbon dioxide makes up most of its atmosphere. See where this is going?

So imagine with me, if you will, that the Garden of Eden was on Venus. The whole planet is a tropical rain forest with robust plants capable of converting the increased sunlight (owing to Venus’s proximity to the sun) into oxygen. But there is trouble afoot. There are these little cancerous monkeys running around, ‘adapting’ the planet to themselves. Doing what humans do, which includes wanton polluting of the environment. So the humans pollute the planet so bad that the plants start to die of, which causes a snowball effect increasing the tempreature and CO2 levels exponentially. Eventually, it starts to rain and doesn’t stop (until it is too hot for liquids to exist), owing to the massive environmental challenges. And to top it off, the rain is terribly acidic, due to the sulphuric acid content of the clouds. So one clever group of humans decides to get while the gettin’s good.

They sail their little spaceship ‘for forty days and forty nights’ and land on some mountain in the Middle East. And the colonization of Earth begins.

So there are some obvious problems with this situation. The atmosphere of Venus is 90 times more dense than the Earth’s, or roughly equivalent to being one kilometer underwater. I have not found a way to rationalize this ‘fact’ away. Venus rotates very slowly. I mean really slowly. Like it takes 243 Earth days for Venus to spin around just once. In fact, a day on Venus is longer than a year on Venus (Go figure). This might figure into Moses being hundreds of ‘years’ old, but I’m not smart enough for that calculus.

Venus also doesn’t appear to have tectonic plates, but this may be due to the fact that the surface can reach 750 K (890 degrees F) during the day, or hot enough to melt lead. This would lead to the breakdown of anything that humans may have left behind, so that works in my favor.

So there you have it. A morsel to chew on. Do I believe it? No, but it is fun to think about.

And that concludes the first installment of Tinfoil Hat Time, otherwise known as Where Does He Come Up with This Shit?

Is this the fate of earth?



  1. I enjoyed this article very much! I came to the same conclusion you did, exactly.

    Comment by Derek Rayburn — February 3, 2008 @ 9:52 am

  2. I think you meant:

    a day on Venus is longer than a year on Earth* (Go figure).

    When you said

    a day on Venus is longer than a year on Venus (Go figure).


    Comment by Adrian — May 5, 2008 @ 8:25 pm

  3. A day on Venus is longer than a year on Venus, meaning that it takes less time to go around the sun than it does to rotate just once.

    It does sound weird though…

    Comment by t4toby — May 6, 2008 @ 9:02 am

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